Thu, 11:31 am: breaking Christmas

See the deal is - I am broken.
Unlike most healthy people I am completely unable to express love or affection in any kind of normal way lest I turn to a pillar of salt.
So I make things for people, overly elaborate and strange things. I think it is about forty percent upbringing and sixty percent people who have taken that information from me when I have uttered it and misused it in a really spectacular and scarring way.
So I spend most of time consumed in projects that I will never keep and sometimes will never see again and the weird part is, I HAVE to love it. If I don't love what I am making then I can't give it away, which means my house is littered with half finished projects that I despise. This of course leads me to believe that I have zero talent, the jury is still out on that.
I swear it is like a fucking Greek tragedy over here.

I just wanted to say it out loud to anyone who isn't clear about that, or anyone who ever got something from me and wondered what the hell it was or why they ended up with it.
If you haven't gotten anything from me thus far and are now wondering if I hate you, don't. It just means I haven't gotten to you yet. It is also possible I started something and decided it wasn't good enough. That happens a LOT.

Anyway I just finished something, it took forty three hours total and I screamed and clawed my face and gave up on it at least three times, but in the end I gave it away because that is the only way it can work for me.

I started with a German Christmas Pyramid. In case you aren't Euro trash like me and are unfamiliar they are wooden, rotate, and generally have the nativity happening somewhere in there. They look like this: Christmas Pyramid
I have loved them since I was a little girl and my mother was loathe to let me destroy ours. I finally found a reasonably priced source in October and bought two. I took the thing apart and popped all the little wooden figures off one by one. Baby Jesus was being stubborn and so I had to chip away at him with a screwdriver until he released his kung fu grip, came flying off like a bullet and lodged into my cactus.
There is something sort of satisfying about taking an innocent and simple Christmas decoration and turning it into something disturbing and wrong.

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Happy Holidays everybody!

Fri, 4:32 pm: For those hard-to-shop-for on your gift lists...

I am announcing the official opening of Third Half Studios website and store, we are open for business! Everything we sell is not quite up yet, those items will be trickling in the next few days and weeks, but our best sellers are up there now.
Happy Black Friday everybody - Bang a gong!
http://www.thirdhalfstudios.com/

Fri, 12:11 pm: Super Action Zeppo - Now with even more Commodore!

me: "The doctor seemed impressed with your recovery so far."
"Well the explanation is - I AM amazing!"

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Wed, 2:18 pm: An open letter to the creators of NOVA

To whom it may concern,

Let me first say that as an annoying intellectual type who gets a boner every time she hears the words "lost civilization," I have enjoyed nearly all of your documentary efforts thus far.
 

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Thu, 5:10 pm: Commodore update

As some of you may or may not know the Commodore suffered a small hemorrhagic stroke about a week ago.  Dutifully I hopped a plane to Portland to take care of things out this way.  The only damage that occurred happened in his language center.  His motor skills and logic centers are mercifully unaffected.  The woman at the rehab place where he is (as he puts it) "incarcerated" says she is impressed with his recovery overall and his prognosis is good.
It is interesting to see in real time his brain try and re-route around the damage, while he searches for the word that he means and his brain replaces it with something that seems related.  It is pretty fascinating really.

Of course this makes his already bizarre discourse all the more entertaining, if not more confusing.  I have to explain to the staff frequently that he was "like this before the stroke."

So without further ado, direct quotes from the Commodore:

me: Dad what are you doing?
(while pulling a bottle from a panel in his desk) I am having a little gin.
me: Are you crazy, you can't have that!
no it's okay... it is after 3:00.

me: (walking in on him surfing porn) Dad!!! for the love of God please shut that off right now!
What? you don't want to watch this?
me: No, I really really don't!
Is it beause she isn't a natural blonde?

I still haven't gotten my stuff from the Veterans's administration, so I thought you could write your friend for me and ask him to help me out.
me: What friend are you referring to?
You know that guy you worked for and like so much, he has the good looking wife and kids...
me: Are you talking about President Obama?
That's it!

You know I have a lot to offer a woman...
me: Like being feeble and verbose?
I am also very tall.

You know I still can't believe your mother went all "rogue" on me before she died.
me: Are you talking about her converting to Catholicism?
Yeah

You know I watched the woman put the code in to shut alarm off for the front door (rehab) last night - I think I can make a break for it.

me: I don't understand why we have to drive all the way to the urologist's office when we can just pay this bill over the phone?
We HAVE to go there, you need to drive me right now!
me: But why?  There is a phone number right here on the bill?
(yelling and shaking his fist) Don't you understand?! I am in love with the receptionist!
me:  I thought you were in love with that woman at the dentist office.
oh yeah... well, I love her too.





 

 

Wed, 12:00 pm: really not listening

This is the nearly identical conversation I just had with TWO of the major credit companies, I am frankly afraid to call the third.

"Hello this is 'insert name here' credit company, how can I help you?"

me - "Good Morning, my mother is recently deceased and we were notified yesterday that an account had been fraudulently opened in her name. I have filed ID Theft case with the Social Security administration and spoken to the State Attorney General's office about how to proceed. They both recommended that in addition to sending the death certificate to the companies involved in trying to collect the debt, that we also send a copy of the death certificate to all three credit companies however it was strongly suggested we send them certified mail - return receipt requested. All I am able to locate for your company is a PO Box, do you happen to have a street address?"

"I am afraid I cannot help you with your mother's account, she will need to call us herself to address any problems or concerns with her credit report."

me - "Well since my mother is playing cards with JESUS right now, I think she is a bit busy to phone.

Wed, 12:10 pm: The Path

One of the main reasons we got our property for so cheap was that a large power line was going to be strung right through the center of the property from corner to corner. After much investigating about things that happen to you when you live under power lines, we brought the property anyway because as it turns out I am actually living just as close to a power line where I am right now in suburbia than I will be on my own property.
Fifty acres is a lot of damn space as it turns out.

I also have a strange affection for the compelling swaths of open green fields under power lines with thick woods on either side that go and on for miles. I used to dream of packing a bag and walking along the grassy miles just to see where I ended up.

We heard from the neighbors they carved out the 150 foot easement so we drove up to take a look. We took the white dog with us for the first time up there. We just let him run.
I am not sure I have ever seen a dog so happy.


Now I will have my own grassy road right in the middle of my place, like my own personal freeway. Right now however it looks like a great monster plowed through leaving destruction in its wake.
I still want to follow it.

Fri, 12:33 pm: Official

So - this is me giving up.
This year marks the 11th anniversary that I threw my contraceptives away in the trash with a big ta-da and followed with some uncoordinated dancing in the hallway.

That was a lifetime ago and if you had told me then I would be sitting here officially giving up on ever being somebody's parent well I would have harbored a serious skepticism. I mean I have already been through so much and managed to get out the other side after climbing through miles of metaphysical horseshit; I felt it was impossible that universe would lay THAT on me as well.

Recently after two full minutes of serious consideration of pulling a "Raising Arizona" on that low rent Jolie Octo-mom with the 14 kids, I have since decided to officially hang up the baby towel.

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Thu, 11:36 am: For Valentine's day

I would like to present the short list of people I intended to marry when I was in the 5th grade:

Han Solo
Keith Moon
Chuck Barris
George Sanders
Steve Martin
Willy Wonka
Bill Daily (Roger from "I dream of Jeannie")
John Lennon
Jimmy Stewart
Salvador Dali
Mr. Spock
Linus Van Pelt
David Bowie

Considering the guy I am currently married to, I am trying to figure out who I got the closest to.

Fri, 11:25 am: Valentinies

I have started a new blog off LJ's golden shores.
I came across a scrapbook of my mother's full of nothing but valentine's day cards 60+ years old. So I am posting them one by one until I run out of cards or acerbic commentary.
Spread the word!

http://mymomsvalentines.blogspot.com/